It's only 3pm but already today doesn't seem quite right.
At 4.30am I got the following text from an unknown number:
"I actually managed to do a 'Joseph Fritzel' on my cats and locked them in the garage 'by mistake'."
That could only make sense if the person had a cat fetish and ... oh hell i'll stop right there.
Now, my father is a rather antagonistic man. While outside, smoking his pipe, he heard the following from our neighbour talking to his daughter:
"No dear put the worm back in the ground."
"No. Put it back in the ground so it can be with its mummy and daddy."
My dad walked up briskly, keen to tell him that worms are hermaphrodites and thus can't have a "mummy and daddy" and had to double take when he heard:
"No! Put it in gentle, don't use your foot!"
I now know the innocence of children is a lie.